Its officially nearing the “Holiday Season”! Albertson’s has begun their buy one get one free Turkey sale!! *Yippee!!

Turkey sammiches, turkey soup, turkey casserole, turkey on a stick, turkey burrito, tuuuuuurkeeeeeeey!

*bounces*

Be forewarned, pictures of delictable turkeys shall soon appear for your drooling pleasure! :)

My birthday was last Tuesday. As per normal, (around Saturday or Sunday before) I started getting deeply depressed. The last few years, my birthdays are typically dismal. Most of my family forgets, doesn’t call if they DO remember, or gets the date screwed up. Most of my online friends don’t keep a calendar of such things, so unless I am in their face reminding them, which is just rude, they don’t remember. I am not one of the favorites at the office, so I’m fairly invisible there as well.

I broke down in the truck outside of Winco the Sunday prior, as I rambled to Dan how stupid and selfish I felt. I fully know I am not 12 anymore, and couldn’t understand why the lack of recognition always seems to devastate me so profoundly. He assured me that I was not selfish, and reminded me how very loved I am (which I don’t doubt, never have) and that this year surely wouldn’t be as bad as last year (which was a doozy on many levels, mostly financially for us). I bucked up, and we went grocery shopping, heck, we made out like bandits coming in a full 40 bucks less than usual! We made tentative plans to go to Apple Hill the following weekend with the kids and have a good day of family fun as we are on Soccer break for mid season “reshuffle”. (realigning of the divisions based on game play thus far). Later that evening, he says to me. “Ya know, I betcha that part of the reason that birthdays are so hard, is because your family made such a big deal of them when you were growing up”. I thought about that for a bit, and still chuffed it off as being silly and immature on my part and so the discussion ended.

I had Monday off, as Claire’s school was closed for the day. She’s teething and was just getting over an ear infection. Needless to say, by the time I picked up Haley from school, I was ready for an extra set of hands to help keep her happy and entertained! I also got a surprise in my email that morning, an E-certificate to Amazon.com from my Dad. This stung because he still hasn’t tried to contact me in anyway shape or form since my Step-Grandfather died, and we had our falling out, and once again, he had gotten the days wrong. Not that I am not appreciative of the gift…but I had really hoped he would have emailed or called…or tried. :(

Tuesday, the “big day”. I got up and went to work, and found myself holding my breath on the short drive. I knew what to expect, but part of me was still hoping. I walked in the building, and up the stairs and I could see clearly as I walked down the aisle that nothing had been done to my cube. For those that have worked in call centers/offices before, its very typical to see streamers attached to a ceiling panel and then twirled and taped to cubby walls, to mark the birthday person. Also, our office usually prints out little posters and hangs them on doors and walls here and there announcing the day for random passersby. It was still early, dark and quiet as I slumped in my chair, hung up my purse and proceeded with the daily email dance and doing of McKesson’s bidding.

My closest friend in this office came by and bid me a happy birthday, upon her leaving my cube, I broke down in tears. I don’t know why. I just did. I double checked our team calendar, and sure enough, my birthday was clearly labeled. I tried to shrug it off and immersed myself in work. Try as I might, I kept checking my personal mail for signs of something….anything, all to no avail. Every time, a fresh batch of tears would fall. The hours ticked by, and other than a quick trip with tear stained face held low, to get a cup of coffee, I kept myself in my cube. Not a word was said, nothing seemed to be “in the works” and every hour that passed I was more and more devastated and completely out of control of my emotions. To make matters worse, one of our main tools for work was not functioning properly, and when I passed this information to McKesson, the guy that insists on being a thorn in my side, made a very unprofessional “rant” and made sure to include me in his what he later deemed, internal intended, email.

Dan had mentioned that he knew for a fact my Mother had not forgotten, as apparently she had emailed him to ask our address at work because she wanted to have flowers delivered. It was about 30 minutes before the end of my shift when the Front Lobby called to let me know I had flowers. Dan went and picked them up, and much to my surprise, it was a GINORMUS arrangement. I’ve got a picture, will attach it here later :) That sent me into a whole new fit of tears and sniffling, as I read a very kind and sweet email from her. A few people commented on the flowers, asked the occasion, and then seemed somewhat embarrassed when I said that it was my birthday.

I had planned on working late, just to catch up on reports. But, due to the ongoing tears, my contacts were beginning to rebel, and I decided to indeed pack it up and head home. Once home, Haley did an outstanding job as big sister, making sure to keep Claire happy and entertained, as I fussed around and did home stuff. It wasn’t long before the phone rang, and on the other end, it was Mom. She sang my happy birthday, and we chatted about the day. I relayed to her how much it had sucked and hurt, all at the same time. She then did something that amazed me.

She said, “I know and I think I understand why, and its my fault.” This one little sentence had me speechless, and I had not even heard the full bit yet. She then went on to mirror pretty much what Dan had said the Sunday before. Growing up, my parents made the decision to take the focus away from kids and presents at Christmas time, instead focusing us on the birth of Christ. Instead, they made birthdays “extra special”. They were true family events, and never forgotten. Both my sister and I apparently have had the same affliction, since probably around the time of our parents divorce a few years ago. Utter depression and feelings of grief and extreme loneliness. We both realized that “most people” don’t go through such a range of emotions about a birthday (or major holidays, as my sister apparently does), and even more so, not full grown adults. But just the same, we felt the way we did, and then would feel ashamed or guilty for feeling that way because we realized it was not normal. This results in a battery of back and forth emotions that climb and fall like a roller coaster. Hearing my Mom, hearing her “take blame” and recognize my (our) hurt….was….well, healing. It made me feel as if I was not losing my mind, and that I was not the only lone creature out there feeling the same way. I had no idea Kristen felt the same, and she had no idea I was suffering either.

The rest of the day proved to be much better. My Step Dad Allen called, then Kristen, then a Voicemail from my lovely Ducky. Logged into Neo and had several lovely gifts and kind words from fellow Neopals. Thomas brought me a card he drew at school during art and Dan brought home take out and CAKE! I fell asleep feeling much more at ease. I was able to also share with Kristen, when she called and made her feelings about birthdays and holidays a bit better as well. So, all in all, I guess it ended ok.

I can live with office mates that ignore my existence, and with friends that I hardly speak to, forgetting or not caring (just facts folks), but without my family, without my Mom (would like to say Dad….) I would be truly miserable. I realize that when I left the Guild in Neo, and now the Mall, I let go of a huge circle of “friends”. It has truly sucked. A lot of it was my own doing, as that circle of “friends” was more painful than supportive most of the time. But I will admit, it was nice to be a bit “popular”, even if it was in a land of make-believe. Having one’s name recognized, having fans…having…attention, I think its something everyone that plays on the net seeks. No matter how we try to spin it, we do. We all NEED something, for whatever reason. I guess the question is, at what cost? I NEEDED people to pay attention to me, to see me for who I was, not what I looked like, or what I drove, or wore, or what color my kids were. For a time, I had that…and it cost me a lot. Now, I’ve shifted gears, and put the focus where it should have been all the time, in my family. The cost? Not even worth mentioning I suppose, as admitting it’s a loss, is admitting that I miss it, and a door opens to start the cycle once more.

Noooooooooooooooooo!

Whilst examining my teeth at my desk (after having a lovely nectarine that I will not have another of for MONTHS due to the increasing cold weather)…my eyes wandered north in the compact mirror I was holding.

Much to my dismay and grief, I found wrinkles.

Now, they could be argued as being more “crease” like…but the point is, they are there. They are across the top of the bridge of my nose. Like if one scrunches up one’s face in disgust or to a bad smell? Those little ones at the top? That’s them. I tried to move my face in the extreme opposite in an attempt to make them go away….but they are not budging. I think they’ve moved in and signed a permanent lease.

I will not mention the increase of fine lines under my eyes either….I think the bags that have been there for a few months have had those pretty well hidden.

This is not great timing, as I am already staring down another birthday next Tuesday.

*whimper*